四六级备考月写作大作战范文赏析
为帮助大家更好地掌握写作技巧，沪江网校近期举行了四六级写作大作战活动，目前活动已圆满结束（点击回顾活动详情>>），我们一起来欣赏活动中部分沪友的写作作品及网校名师点评吧！
四级作文题目：
Directions: For thispart, you are allowed 30 minutes to write an essay. You should start your essaywith a brief description of the picture and then express your views onwater pollution. You should write at least 120 words but no more than 180 words.
沪友四级作文：
沪友ID：卿小萱
In this picture it show us about two fishes dialogue. We can know the water was not so fresh because the fishes can't live in there more than three days.
From this short dialogue in picture we need though, why fish want to told other fishes can't use the water. It was obviously that the water was been polluted.
Nowadays, with the country develop, lots of factory in order to get much money and more convenient, then put the water that was polluted into the river.
Water is the source of full life. We need clean water,so do animals.
Why we so selfish to make little money then make the water dirty. It also harmful for us. We should tell everyone protect animals is also means protect us.
评分：4分
评语：基本切题，连贯性差，大部分句子都有错误，有较多的严重语言错误，如第一句it是第三人称单数，后面的动词show应该是shows，且用法是show sb. sth.，about不需要；第二段的两句话都存在语法错误，want to told ，was been polluted等；一些句子缺少谓语，如It also harmful for us。
沪友ID：零夕静
water pollution
As is vividly showed in the picture, a fish told to another fish the water of sea can't be used for three days and hope each fish knows that then to leave there. The implied meaning of the picture should be taken into account seriously. Then the reason is that the human pollute the water and at last fishes have no place to live.
In my opinion, we need take some measures to reduce water pollution. To begin with that, we know some factories sewage in the river in order to saving more money. So the government should make the law to impose restrictions on the factories' discharge capacity. Secondly, we should have a award of protecting the water. In our daily life, we should use the detergent without phosphorus and so on.
The social problem has arisen the great concern in our whole world. We must pay more attention this problems after days . At last, I hope everyone can protect our water everyday. Because water is most important for human.
评分：9分
评语：切题，表达思路清楚，文字连贯，但有好几处语法错误和表达不规范，如首句中show的过去分词形式是shown；第二段award前的不定冠词应该是an而不是a，in order to do 接的应该是动词原形save；第三段pay attention to是固定用法，这里漏了to，而且this后面接的名词应该是单数的，after days放在这不合适，整句话可以换成We must pay more attention to this problem from now on。
沪友ID：ltqwer123
优秀范文：Water pollution
As can be clearly seen form the cartoon, one fish say "do not use the water for three days, tell the others". This picture tells us vividly that the water pollution is very serious.
What has caused this problem? It seems to me that there are several reasons as follows. Frist of all, someone throw the rubbish to the river. What's more, many factories were built, which caused a large number of industrial pollution. Last but not the least, the major citizens don't realize the seriousness of the phenomenon.
In view of the seriousness of the phenomenon, effictive measures should be taken. On on hand, it is high time that people all over China realized the seriousness of the phenomenon.On the other hand the government should issue laws and regulations to put the situation under control. Only in those way can successfully solve the problem.
评分：13分
评语：切题，表达思路清楚，文字通顺，连贯性较好，仅有个别语言错误。
经典的三段论，围绕题干的主题展开。首段从描述图片信息出发引出本文中心the water pollution，第二段首句点出本段大意，阐释造成水污染的原因，运用连接词Frist of all，What's more 和Last but not the least来引出三点论据具体说明原因。第三段提出可采取的措施，也是运用连接词on one hand，on the other hand引出两点措施，中间能运用一些丰富的短语和句式增加逻辑性。
建议：注意一些单词的拼写，effictive应该是effective，On on hand应该是on one hand；还有最基本的三单形式，one fish say ，someone throw都是不正确的；the major citizens应该是想表达“大部分的公民”，可改成the majority of citizens；最后一个句子用倒装的形式很好，但是句子有错误，应该是Only in those ways can the problem be successfully solved.
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