PATRICK (Caller): Hello, Neal. I hope that you get over your cold soon.

CONAN: Me too, yeah.

PATRICK: Now the worst gift I ever gave was when I was a child, I gave my sister an old Star Wars figurine and half a tube of toothpaste. It was a last-minute - oh, my gosh, I didn't get my sister anything, so I ran upstairs and found what I had.

CONAN: And you wrapped the half tube of toothpaste?

PATRICK: It was - I think in a brown paper bag.

CONAN: And was it at least a Boba Fett?

PATRICK: Excuse me?

CONAN: Was it at least a Boba Fett character?

(Soundbite of laughter)

PATRICK: It was the hammerhead guy. I don't remember his name.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DICKINSON: No.

PATRICK: But - Sarah, if you're listening, I promise to get you something a little better this year.

CONAN: Right. Go for Boba Fett this year.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: Thanks very much, Patrick.

PATRICK: All right. Thank you, Neal.

CONAN: We're talking with Amy Dickinson who writes the "Ask Amy" column for the Chicago Tribune about the worst gifts given and received ever. 800-989-8255. Email: talk@. You're listening to TALK OF THE NATION which is coming to you from NPR News.

And let's go next to...

Ms. DICKINSON: Category?

CONAN: Sorry? Tom(ph) is with us. Tom from - I'm sorry. Amy, you were saying?

Ms. DICKINSON: No. I was just going to add, there's another category of automotive gifts.

CONAN: Ah.

Ms. DICKINSON: Lots of people giving gifts - let me just share one and then we'll go to Tom.

CONAN: Okay.

Ms. DICKINSON: Dear Amy, my father gave me a can of tire polish last year for Christmas. When I think about it, it wasn't even a gift for me. It was really a gift for my truck.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: That's true. Well, the truck has its own birthday. Tom, you're on the line.

TOM (Caller): Hi.

CONAN: Go ahead.

TOM: Let me just say real quick, Neal. I've never once turn the radio on that you weren't on that I wasn't just having a great time.

CONAN: Oh, well, that's very kind of you to say.

TOM: And I love what you just said, Amy. I called just because I had a funny story but I have to say I'm blown away. I just realized I've told this story for years and I've always thought of this as a horrible gift. And the truth is, this person gave me the gift of laughter for like 20 years now so I've never looked at it that way, so really cool.

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh, great.

TOM: Never thought of it that way. You just totally blew me away with that. But I was working with a pretty close-knit group of managers in an office environment and we did a gift exchange, secret-Santa-type thing. And just to make it quick for you guys, ultimately, there were great gifts around the room. There was like a $50 budget. And when I opened up the gift that I was given in front of everybody at dinner, it was a velvet Dachshund wiener dog wrapped in a hotdog bun.

(Soundbite of laughter)

TOM: It was covered with lint. It was filthy. It was soiled as if a child or maybe a dog had been chewing on it.

(Soundbite of laughter)

TOM: It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. And the woman that gave it to me, I think actually really thought it was neat. Yes. I thought it was a practical joke at first and it turns out she really thought it was a wonderful gift.

CONAN: Wonderful gift. Yes.

TOM: And we - I've told this story for years.

CONAN: Are you still working with her? Are you still working with her?

TOM: No. No. It's been many years ago now, 20, 25 years ago. But I have told that over and over again. That's why I loved what Amy said. I've always told it sort of in bewilderment. But I've - I always laugh about it, and everybody I tell this story to and friends and family that have heard it over and over again just think it's the funniest story when I sort of tell the long version.

CONAN: Mm-hmm.

TOM: And it dawns on me. You're right. It's the crazy stuff you remember and truth is I've been laughing for 25 years over that.

CONAN: So therefore, it worked.

TOM: And it's maybe the worst thing I've ever been given. So...

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: All right.

Ms. DICKINSON: It's the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

TOM: Yeah. Really a cool perspective on it. I love that.

CONAN: All right, Tom. Thanks...

Ms. DICKINSON: Thanks for spreading it around. That's great.

TOM: Yeah.

CONAN: Thanks very much and have a happy holidays.

TOM: And to you.

CONAN: Here's an email from Steve(ph) in Beaver Dam, Arizona. In the early 1960s, my father put a set of tire chains for the family car under the Christmas tree as a gift for my mother. It was not well-received.

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh, boy.

CONAN: Yeah.

Ms. DICKINSON: I tell you, that is one Christmas morning - I can still - I can feel it. I feel for that whole family. And look, he was just...

CONAN: You have to wonder who was wearing the chains at the end of the day.

Ms. DICKINSON: I know. And he was a child, and, of course, still remembers it. Who could forget the year, the year of the tire chains?

CONAN: Joe(ph) is on the line from Raleigh.

JOE (CALLER): Good morning, guys. Good afternoon.

CONAN: Good afternoon.

JOE: Yeah. I just wanted to tell about a Christmas gift I received two years ago from my mother-in-law. Well, my mother-in-law is notorious for giving very inexpensive gifts and we generally open them in advance. So what we did on this one, we opened up the package and there was an oven mitt in the package for me.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: That's useful.

(Soundbite of laughter)

JOE: She knows that I like to cook so she gave me an oven mitt. So what we did, we used construction paper, we put little eyes and a face on him and named him Ovie(ph), the oven mitt.

(Soundbite of laughter)

JOE: And we took - well, in all our family pictures that year, we had Ovie the oven mitt in the pictures. We sent those to my mother-in-law. We even had -Ovie even went to us to see a Carolina Hurricanes' game, in which he got placed on the Jumbotron.

CONAN: Oh, well. So Ovie is getting around.

JOE: Yeah, Ovie did. And unfortunately, Ovie had his demise. He died in the oven one day where he was on a high preheat. So our son even did a video of the whole thing: Ovie the oven mitt, his dream(unintelligible).

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh.

CONAN: Oh, well. Joe, we're - there will be a special place around your table, I'm sure.

(Soundbite of laughter)

JOE: There will. There will.

CONAN: Thanks very much.

JOE: Okay. Thank you.

CONAN: Here's a - we'll go quickly - Ashley(ph) in Kansas City. One year, my grandparents who are notoriously cheap decided they didn't need to send - need a Christmas tree so they gave us ornaments off the tree with - along with hotel shampoo and conditioner they had swiped over the years from their snowbird travels. That year we also got 8x10 photos of them as our present. The photo now hangs in my bathroom, which I feel is fitting.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: And this one - this goes along with your theme. Catherine(ph) emailed to say: My mother-in-law gave me a monogram sweater. Unfortunately, it was the initials of my husband's girlfriend. That's how I found out about it and she is now my ex mother-in-law.

Ms. DICKINSON: Whoa. Wow.

CONAN: Talk about - you know, it's bad news getting broken up with on a tweet, or an email or any way, but imagine getting broken up with by opening your Christmas gift.

Ms. DICKINSON: Getting broken up with via monogram.

(Soundbite of laughter)

CONAN: Amy, I know that all your presents this year are just going to be fabulous.

Ms. DICKINSON: Oh, yeah. Well, I've enjoyed this so much. Thank you, Neal.

CONAN: Thanks very much. Amy Dickinson writes the syndicated "Ask Amy" column for the Chicago Tribune, with us today from the studios at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York.

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