"I'll tell you, to be honest, I was quite nervous about this whole thing. And I was really nervous about an apology to Sarah Palin. So what I did to get my confidence up, to get my nerves to settle down, I rehearsed by apologizing to Tina Fey." --David Letterman


"Honestly, how many of you are only here tonight hoping that I'll offend somebody else?" --David Letterman

"This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, 'Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.'" --Conan O'Brien
这简直太疯狂了,你们可能已经看到了。前总统老布什为了庆祝他85岁的生日,和CNN的主播Robin Meade一起。福克斯新闻是这样报道的:“自由媒体把老人推下了飞机。”——柯南·奥布莱恩

"The official report said that Hillary Clinton fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire." --Craig Ferguson