贡献：国内大学英语考试辅导专家，恩波四六级核心教师。多年担任四六级及考研阅卷组组长，具有丰富的考试辅导经验。在教学上精益求精，激情洋溢，有高度的责任心，所教学生一次性过关率极高。现已出版多部英语专著，“黄金模板”系列更居同类图书榜首。在苏、浙、沪等地多所大学主持英语四六级讲座及授课，深受学生欢迎。恩波学校六级网站版主，第一位在网上为全国学生免费批改作文的老师，也是目前全国批改作文最多的老师。


贡献范文精析之一我们一起写作文吧！
为了与大家共同学习、一起进步，我决定陆续推出三个作文板块：范文精析、习作点评和写作心得。范文精析供大家讨论，以便共同进步；习作点评是学生的作文，在修改之后我们一起来讨论；写作心得是我们就写作教学和考试中共同关心的问题进行思辨，尽可能讨论地深入一些。
愿为恩波、为论坛的发展倾尽全力！大家共同进步，是我最大的心愿！
万事开头难，今天我就先贴一篇，抛砖引玉吧！这是一篇考研作文，可能比四六级稍难，希望对大家能有借鉴意义，在看完之后希望敬请各位指教。

The Aging of Our Society

(1) 写作要求
Directions: Study the following table carefully and write an essay entitled “The Aging of our Society”.
In the essay you should
1) describe the table,
2) give your comment on the phenomenon, and
3) suggest your solutions.
You should write about 200 words neatly on ANSWER SHEET 2.

Number and Percentage of Senior Citizens in our Country

Year Number of Senior Citizens Percentage
2002 132 million 10%
2015 200 million 14%
2050 400 million 25%

(2) 原稿
This table shows that our society is entering the era of aging society, or what we call sometimes, the silver society.
The aging society will bring many unfavorable consequences, with health care issue of the elder generation being the foremost one. With more and more members entering a senior age, the percentage of people in the main working force falls abruptly, thus it is more and more difficult for the social welfare system to function properly and effectively. Apart from the irreversible decaying of health, mental hazard may constitute more formidable a problem: loss of sense of security, identity and confidence may accelerate the aging process. Last but not the least, the silver society may trigger chain reactions in all phases and all social ladders, including family relationships, marriage and divorce, unemployment and reemployment as well as inheritance.
To battle the potential negative effects, several necessary steps should be taken: the chief task lies in taking care of the old people and help them take care of themselves. All the members in the society should join their hands in creating a favorable environment for the old people to live, fully aware of the fact that they will be old some day in the future. The old people themselves should never stop pursuing whatever they view as important in life since “It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years that counts”. Only in a reasonable, prosperous and healthy society can the old people hope to live a life in security and dignity, free from exploitation and discrimination.

(3) 修改稿
From the table we can see that the number of senior citizens will increase from 132 million this year to 200 million in 2015, and then to 400 million in 2050. Accordingly, the percentage will rise from 10% to 14%, and then to 25%. According to the standard of the United Nations, a society is defined as old when the senior citizens over 60 reach 10% of the whole population. Consequently this table shows that our society，following many western countries, is stepping into the era of the so-called “aging society”.
The aging phenomenon will bring many unfavorable consequences, with health care of the elder generation being the foremost. With more and more members entering a senior age, the percentage of people in the main working force falls abruptly, thus gradually preventing the traditional social welfare system from functioning properly and effectively. The transformation to a modern and more scientific system of social security, however, may take a relatively long period, bringing hope and pain at the same time. For the old people themselves, apart from the irreversible decaying of health, mental hazards may constitute a more formidable problem—loss of sense of security, identity and confidence may accelerate the aging process. Last but not least, aging poses an even greater threat to our country than to the developed world because we are aging before we become rich.
To battle the potential negative effects, several necessary steps should be taken: the chief task lies in taking care of the old people and helping them take care of themselves. All the members in the society should join their hands in creating a favorable environment for the old people. The old people themselves should never stop pursuing whatever they view as important in life since “It is not the years in your life, but the life in your years that counts”. Only in a reasonable, prosperous and healthy society can we hope to witness the ideal scene in which old people can enjoy their twilight to the uttermost.

(4) 点评
图表题分为图表（chart）、表格（table）、漫画（cartoon）与照片（photograph）等类型，这道题目属于表格类。所有的图表题目除了图表外，还包括详细的指令；指令则包括文章的题目和提纲。少数时候指令中不含题目，这是考生不必为作文加上标题。绝大多数提纲包括三个部分，是指导我们迅速构建文章结构的指南，不过有的时候提纲中会使用较为含混的字眼，如give your comment on the phenomenon。
图表题大多涉及引人注目的社会现象。其中相当一部分造成了负面的影响，甚至成为了严重的社会问题，这种情况大多可分为“描述——原因——办法”和“描述——后果/影响——办法”来写。也就是说，如果提纲的第二部分使用“给出评论”的模糊说法，则可以写原因或后果、影响。
这篇作文的主题是颇为引人关注的老龄化社会的问题。原稿的结构非常清晰：文章分为三段，分别是从图表中得出结论、指出老龄社会带来的不良后果和提出为缩小负面影响而应采取的措施。
下面来作具体的点评：
1）虽然对于图表的描述可繁可简，但原文第一段直接得出结论的做法欠妥。表格中列出了三个年度的数字和百分比，应予描述。修改稿中的第一句和第二句就分别找描述了数字和百分比的增长；这里由于两句较长，不适合用while将两句话连成一句。修改稿的第三句用联合国的标准显得很权威，又正好与百分比相吻合。第四句承袭原文，用了The chart/table indicates/shows/suggests that…这一简明句型，当然这里还可使用语气稍强一点的句型，如All the data in the table point to the fact that…。our society之后加上了插入语，显示对发展中国家和发达国家的老龄化趋势相当了解；将entering改为stepping into更显活泼；还是将silver society改回aging society为好，因为这并不是通行的用法，最初可能是某个新闻工作者在写到日本老龄社会时自己造出来的“妙语”。aging还可写作ageing，但在本文中为了统一，一直写为aging。
2) 原稿第二段的第一句写得很精彩，运用了with引起的独立分词结构来引出不良后果的第一点。第二句是对这一点的扩充，原文对连环因果的处理不错，如果在social welfare system前加上traditional就更好了。修改稿在此后加了一句来充实内容，有诸多可以学习之处：system of social security之前用一个形容词和一个形容词的比较级来修饰，体现了平行之中的变化，建议大家在以后使用平行结构的时候尝试“平行——平行——变化”的高级模式；内容上先说社保体制改革可能需要较长的一段时期，然后说它同时带来了希望和痛苦，比较客观。有的同学会问take a relatively long period这一词组之后要不要加to take shape表示成形，实际上不妥，因为主语不是system（体系）而是transformation（转形）。
3）原稿第二段的第三句（即修改稿的第四句）说的是第二个方面，也就是老年人的心理问题。句中irreversible表示“不可逆转的”；accelerate表示“加速”，与the aging process搭配很贴切；more formidable a problem表示“更严重的问题”。
4）原稿第二段的第四句是说老人社会引发诸多问题（trigger和chain reaction用词不错），可是列举的诸多方面却不平行，给人繁乱的感觉。不如这里干脆不谈家庭问题和就业问题，只说与发达国家相比较，说明我们“未富先老”这一令人忧虑的事实，这样就直接从个人的层面说到社会的层面，结构清楚。修改稿此段最后一句中的pose a threat to是个很好的词组，意为“对…构成威胁”。
5）原文的最后一段分四句，结构安排恰当：第一句写最重要的事是照顾老年人和帮助他们照顾自己，第二句说社会所有成员应为老年人创造良好的生活环境，第三句说老年人应不断追求生命中重要的东西，最后一句说只有在理性、繁荣和健康的社会里老年人才能幸福地度过晚年时光。
这一段也存在一些问题：第一句中的lie in表示“在于”，应接两个并列的动名词作宾语，所以后面help应改为helping。第二句中的join their hands in doing和be fully aware of the fact that…都是很好的结构。这一句中的for the old people to live应为to live in，实际上这里最好删去to live in，因为语义有点重复。第三句中的whatever引起宾语从句非常引人注目，其后巧妙地将一句名言嵌在句子中。最后一句用only引起的部分倒装，这种句型非常有效。句中用三个平行的形容词修饰society。原文最后的“老年人希望生活在安全和尊严之中，没有剥削和歧视”不如改为更为简洁的方式。修改后的句中enjoy their twilight to the uttermost表示“尽情地享受晚年”，twilight原指“暮色”或“曙光”，这里指“人的暮年”。
纵观全文，我们感到，写作时思路要清楚，结构要清晰。这不仅要体现在段与段之间，还要体现在段内的组织上。语言在保证正确的基础上，最高要出彩，这需要考生的表达尽量多一些变化。本文中词语、词组和句型有多个可学习的地方，大家要在平时多练习，力求熟练掌握。


选自《全国硕士研究生入学考试英语总复习与应试指南》