你写我改：BEC名师评点网友作文（10）

大家好，这是沪江剑桥商务英语网针对沪江网友在BEC写作中所遇到的棘手问题而新设的一个作文辅导栏目。每期栏目我们都会邀请到BEC名师对沪江论坛BEC版块的网友作文进行评点，为各位同学在BEC的考试准备中助你一臂之力。

想让名师评点你的作文吗？请订阅BEC写作类节目：BEC作文辅导

本期BEC名师：昂立BEC项目部主任张梦琳老师，担纲商务英语听说、企业团训听说主讲,曾在知名企业担纲首席口译。从事听说教学十年之久，最乐意与同学分享职场经历，她的教学理念是：Enjoy learning English in the rest of your life!

本期作文题目：

You are a regional salesman for an office equipment supplier. You are organising your schedule for visiting your existing clients next month.

Write an e-mail of 40-50 words to one of your clients:
*explaining why you would like to visit them
*proposing a time to visit
*asking them to suggest an alternative if necessary.

Sample:

Dear Mr. Shultz:

Our new catalogue is now ready. I will be in your city on 16th December and would be able to visit your office to discuss our special Winter offers with you then. Please let me know if this would be convenient or contact me to suggest an alternative.

网友作文一：

Dear Mr. Smith,

I would like to visit you to discuss about the detail price and function of our office equipment that you want to buy. So I am planning to visit you at this weekend. [1] Is it available for you? If it is not,[2] please suggest me an alternative. With best regards,

Yours sincerely,
Ellen

_________________________________________
[1]啰嗦。如果要用定语从句，建议改为：that we offered. 后句去掉。
[2]合二为一。If that is not available for you, please suggest an alternative.

网友作文二：

To: Jim
From: Sant
Subject: Visiting Schedule

In order to talk with you on the conditions and items of the insurance policy, I attempt to visit you on 22th November. Provided that the date is unconvenient for you ,do not hesitate to suggest me the alternative days. [1]

Regards!

_________________________________________
[1]这个过去分词出师无名，句子主体是没有主语的，这是祈使句。建议把句子补齐，把主语添上。