大家好，这是沪江剑桥商务英语网针对沪江网友在BEC写作中所遇到的棘手问题而新设的一个作文辅导栏目。每期栏目我们都会邀请到BEC名师对沪江论坛BEC版块的网友作文进行评点，为各位同学在BEC的考试准备中助你一臂之力。

想让名师评点你的作文吗？请订阅BEC写作类节目：BEC作文辅导

本期BEC名师：昂立BEC项目部主任张梦琳老师，担纲商务英语听说、企业团训听说主讲,曾在知名企业担纲首席口译。从事听说教学十年之久，最乐意与同学分享职场经历，她的教学理念是：Enjoy learning English in the rest of your life!

本期作文题目：

You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.

Write a memo of 40-50 words:

informing staff of the shutdown
telling them when it will happen
asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.

老师提示：

商务写作中遵循的原则是：简洁，精确，礼貌。在考试中或者工作中，格式基本已经给出，所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当，一针见血，语法正确，不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作，所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽，不必太正式。


网友作文一：

MEMORANDUM
from : Tom TO : all staff
date : 25/8
Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
i think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
TOM

_________________________________________

1.Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构，看起来不够专业，改为：As we plan to upgrade.....
2.有中式英文的痕迹：我要求你们。。。。改为：please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
3.这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.

网友作文二：

From: office manager
To: all staff
Subject: the company system
I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
Thank you.[5]

_________________________________________

[1]去掉这个开头，直接用被动语态开头。
[2]去掉，多余了。
[3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚，那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
[4]这句话看起来非常不清楚，主语在哪里？please 的后面是吗？改成：please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
[5]另换一行