从专八翻译真题解析看如何翻译(2)

真题:

得病以前,我受父母宠爱,在家中横行霸道,一旦隔离,拘禁在花园山坡上一幢小房子里,我顿感打入冷宫,十分郁郁不得志起来。一个春天的傍晚,园中百花怒放,父母在园中设宴,一时宾客云集,笑语四溢。我在山坡的小屋里,悄悄掀起窗帘,窥见园中大千世界,一片繁华,自己的哥姐,堂表弟兄,也穿插其间,个个喜气洋洋。一霎时,一阵被人摒弃,为世所遗的悲愤兜上心头,禁不住痛哭起来。

解析:

1. 一个春天的傍晚,园中百花怒放,父母在园中设宴,一时宾客云集,笑语四溢。

学译:At one dusk in spring,flowers were blooming wildly in the garden,my parents were holding a banquet,in which guests were gathering,laughters could be heard everywhere.

学译:On a spring evening,hundreds of flowers were in full bloom in the garden where my parents hosted a banquet. For a while,guests gathered in large number,laughing and talking,which could be heard clearly.

参考译文:On a spring evening,my parents gave a banquet in the garden where a profusion of flowers were in full bloom. In no time,a crowd of their guests collected and laughter was heard all over there.

汉语原句的“节数”增加到“五节”。译成英语,仍应确定正确的“主干”,两个“学译”不谋而合,将“园中百花怒放”,而不是“父母在园中设宴”作为“主干”来处理。读来,给人一种观比萨斜塔的感觉。相比之下,参考译文则给人一种美感,散发出浓郁的英语味。原因很简单,参考译文选对了英译之“主干” (my parents gave a banquet in the garden)。另外一个值得记取的经验是:汉语原句出现了一个句号,因此80%左右的学生译文,也亦步亦趋,硬性译成了一句,以上两句“学译”也不例外。复观参考译文,我们发现,被处理成两句,从容之中多了些干练。

2. 我在山坡的小屋里,悄悄掀起窗帘,窥见园中大千世界,一片繁华,自己的哥姐,堂表弟兄,也穿插其间,个个喜气洋洋。

学译:I stayed in the small flat on the hillside,quietly opened the curtain,caught glimpse of the world in the garden,it was so flourishing:my brothers and sisters,male cousins,were coming and going through,everyone looked pleasant.

学译:In the small cottage on the hillside,secretly I opened the curtain to see the prosperity of the big world in the garden. All of them were delighted,including my brothers,my sisters,and my cousins.

参考译文:I,without being noticed,lifted the curtain in my small room,only to spy the bustle of a kaleidoscopic world down in the garden,and my elder sisters,brothers and my cousins,each full of the joys of spring,were shuttling among the guests.

汉语原句的“节数”有了空前的增加:八节。面对如此长的“竹竿句”,“学译”显得有点“技穷”,无奈之下,以上两句“学译”便依样画葫芦,照汉语原文的感觉走,见一句就译一句,不考虑“节”间关系,不分析时间先后和逻辑内涵。第二句“学译”甚至没有弄清“自己的哥姐,堂表弟兄”和“个个喜气洋洋”之间的关系,不明白“个个喜气洋洋”指的就是“自己的哥姐,堂表弟兄”,而错把All of them were delighted当作“主干”,而把my brothers,my sisters,and my cousins用including作为其中包含的成员处理。

复观参考译文,发现译者在落下译笔之前,对原句的逻辑梳理,非常到位,因此,确定“主干”,也极为果断。“悄悄掀起窗帘”、“也穿插其间”分别作了“主干”,英译就站稳了脚跟。特别值得一提的是,译者在第一个“主干” (lifted the curtain in my small room)之后,用了一个动词不定式短语,表示结果,在这个动词不定式短语前添加了一个副词only,译文顿时生色!这说明,除了经过逻辑分析确定“主干”之外,能活用所掌握的词汇,也极为重要。我们初学英语之时,就已经学到:only to是一个很有感情色彩的表达,其含义是:不料竟会……;没想到会……。

3. 一霎时,一阵被人摒弃,为世所遗的悲愤兜上心头,禁不住痛哭起来。

学译:It was so quick that I felt being deserted by people and by the whole world,bursting into tears.

学译:I couldn‘t help crying bitter,with a feeing of being abandoned by others flooded in my heart at that moment.

参考译文:Quickly enough,I was thrown into a fist of sorrowful anger at being forgotten and discarded by the rest and could not help crying my heart out.

汉语原句的“节数”有四节。若对句中的最后两节略作分析,不难发现“悲愤兜上心头”和“禁不住痛哭起来”之间是一种先后关系,也略带因果关系,但总的来说,两个短语所占分量大致相同所以处理时,以使用并列句为好,没有必要强调主次。“学译”分别把“悲愤兜上心头”和“禁不住痛哭起来”作为主语,另一个短句作为修饰成分,但读起来感觉分句不是太简略就是太冗长。而参考译文的并列处理则摆平了这两个短句,读起来通顺流畅。

所以,在选定“主干”时,也应当避免形而上学的思维,选择主句的同时,还要深入分析以下句间真正的关系所在,在并列或先后关系的句子中,也不能强行设立一个“主干”,而弄巧成拙。