雷人故事:丢了猫咪千万别找设计师

From: Shannon Walkley

To: David Thorne

I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have. Her name is Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. She got lost on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks.

From: 乡农

To: 大卫

大卫啊!我家的咪细昨天从纱门跑出去就不见了。你要是不太忙的话,看着办给我做个寻猫启示吧!用A4纸嗷,我把“寻猫启示”贴到地铁口去。我就你一个设计师朋友,只能靠你啦!!

这是我家咪细,我就那么一张照片,毛是黑白相间的,8个月大,你给做一下吧!!万谢万谢!

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder on tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

From:大卫
To: 乡农

乡 农!我很震惊!还好我坐在椅子上看你的邮件,要是刚才爬树的时候看,我非得摔下来不可。你没事吧?节哀顺变……你能继续工作实在太牛了!想想你家咪细独自在外流离失所饱经风霜风餐露宿茕茕孑立形影相吊,我的心肝儿哟!没准她还在那扯着细小的嗓子叫“乡农,乡农,阿拉想侬了……”
虽然老子手里还有一堆活,不过,我现在就给你弄这个东西,兄弟的事,一定要挺的!!!

(小编提示:为了保证趣味性,小编稍微修改了部分译文,和英文原文不吻合之处敬请谅解。)

猫咪真相照

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Yeah ok thanks. I know you don't like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

大卫,俺泪奔鸟!我晓得你不太喜欢猫的,但我真的很担心啊!!!实在是麻烦你了,我下午1点就要出去了。

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.

From: 大卫
To: 乡农

啊呀,乡农啊!我啥时候说过不喜欢猫了呢?有一次我去个party,花了老价钱买了双G-star的靴子,实在是太贵了!!!不过我灰常喜欢,所以虽然小了2个号我还是买了。那么小的鞋,我连袜子都不能穿,连脚趾甲都剪了……
那地方很近,我就走过去了,到那里的时候,囧啊我的脚都没知觉了,我啪得一声摔在一个人身上,饮料洒他一身,那哥们儿就冲过来打了我一顿……你说这人为了条美特斯邦威他至于么!!!
后来,这哥们儿坐到个猫上面,那猫一下子就怒了,乱搞一气还在那人脑袋上洒了泡尿!!啊哈哈哈哈哈,太解气了!那个猫我喜欢!

那个寻猫启示做出来了,不要谢我哦!

(小编提示:为了保证趣味性,小编稍微修改了部分译文,和英文原文不吻合之处敬请谅解。)

电影海报版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Yeah that's not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

大卫啊,这个咋那么像电影海报呢……我要的不是长这样的,普通一点就好了。而且咪细咋那么小呢……

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

From: 大卫
To: 乡农

乡农啊,设计的事情你就不懂了。这代表你家咪细迷失在了另一个空间。

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

你不是吧你!!!我昨天哭了一晚没睡,都伤心死了!你以为很好玩是不是。你就不能做得普通一点么?求求你把照片弄大点,文字通俗点,再来点彩色吧!!

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

乡农!我好歹也干了几年设计师了!我原本以为你是很理解我的!
告诉你吧,我们不欢迎你这种建议,就像我不会去你家教你怎么发邮件、怎么翻墙。
哎,算了,我就当你为了你家咪细的事情太过桑心算了。都那么多年朋友了,就帮你改下吧!

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独眼猫版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

喂喂喂!!!!这比之前那个还要不好!你就不能把咪细的全身放出来么?咪细失踪这几个字太蠢了!就不能写个“LOST”么?

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《LOST》版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

= =!大卫你到底会不会设计啊你!
我就要五样东西:照片,“咪细”,“LOST”,我电话,啥时候走丢的。

那些个电影海报神马的不要给我,我今天必须早点出门。我想如果是你的猫走丢的话我也会帮你的,所以求求你了好吧!

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

From: 大卫
To: 乡农

兄弟你知道的,我不养猫的。上次一哥们儿让我帮他照顾他家的猫,我把猫带回家后就扔箱子里就吃喝拉撒都不管了……一周后,我那哥们儿回来问我讨那猫了,我只好假装不在我不在家,然后把那箱子给他邮过去了。话说我一不小心邮票没贴够搞得他还另外付了18美元囧。所以说啊,人有的时候要拿得起放得下啊……

你的要求我已经帮你改好了,你就看看吧。

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换主角版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

That's not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

!!!!这是谁家的鬼猫!!!!你这照片哪儿整来的?咋这毛染成橘黄色的了?我不是给你我家咪细的PP了么。

From: David Thorne
To: Shannon Walkley

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.

From: 大卫
From
: 乡农

我当然知道,不过这个更可爱一点嘛!外面那么危险,你家咪细多半是不行了!干脆你到时候按照这个换一只。
而且,要是有人打电话给你说:“我没看见这只橘毛的,我就看见有只黑白相间的被车碾过,断了后脚,你要不要?”你就可以拒绝他,这能省老大一笔钱啊!!

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

大哥,我求求你了……你放我给你的那张照片吧……

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天价版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

I didn't say there was a reward. I don't have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

喂喂喂我神马时候说过有赏金了啊。我哪儿来的2000刀啊!你卖了我得了……所以好哥们儿你帮我把这“悬赏”给撤了吧= =

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无赏金版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

你就不能别管有没有赏金了啊……求你了,我就剩10分钟了……

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小红帽版本

From: Shannon Walkley
To: David Thorne

Fine. That will have to do.

From: 乡农
To: 大卫

好吧
就这样吧,我认了……

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