All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

好的，我想让大家举手示意一下，有多少人曾经在Facebook上拉黑过好友，就因为他们在政治、宗教、儿童托管或食品方面发表过让你觉得受冒犯的言论？

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?

那么有多少人至少有一个不想见的人，因为你就是不想和对方说话？

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health.

要知道，在过去，想要有一段礼貌的交谈，我们只能遵循亨利﹒希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告，只谈论天气和你的健康状况。

But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --are not safe either.

但这些年随着气候变化和反疫苗运动的开展——这招也不怎么管用了。

So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.

在我们生活的这个世界里，每一次交谈都有可能发展为争论，政客比起之间都不会正常讲话，就连那些最鸡毛蒜皮的事情都有人群情绪激昂地赞成或者反对，这太不正常了。

Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history.

皮尤研究中心对10000名美国成年人做了一次调查，他们发现我们现在的极化程度和分裂程度，比历史上任何时期都要高。

We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other.

我们更不倾向于妥协，这意味着我们根本没听别人讲话。

And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe.

我们做的各种决定——住哪、和谁结婚、和谁交朋友——都只基于我们已有的信念。

Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

再重复一遍，这只说明我们根本不听别人讲话。一段交谈需要在说和听之间取得平衡，而不知怎么的，我们失去了这种平衡。

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.

这其中的原因之一是技术，比如你们的智能手机，它们可能现在就在你们手里，或者就在旁边随手能拿到的地方。

According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.

根据皮尤的研究，大约1/3的美国青少年每天发送超过100条短信。

And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.

而这中间很多人，几乎是绝大部分人，更倾向于给朋友发短信，而不是面对面交谈。

There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

《大西洋》杂志登过一篇很棒的文章，作者是一名叫保罗﹒巴恩维尔的高中老师。

And he gave his kids a communication project.

他给自己的学生布置了一项交流任务。

He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."

他希望教会他们如何脱稿来针对某一主题发表演讲。然后他说：“我开始意识到…”

I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

我开始意识到：交流能力，可能是最被我们忽视的、没有好好教授的技能。

Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

孩子每天花费数小时来通过屏幕去接触创意以及其他的伙伴，但很少有机会去发觉自己的人际交往技能。

It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

这个问题听起来可能有点好笑，但我们必须问问自己：“在21世纪，有什么技能会比维持一段连贯、自信的谈话更为重要呢？”

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.

现在，我的职业就是跟别人谈话。诺贝尔奖获得者、卡车司机、亿万富翁、幼儿园老师、政要、水管工。

I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.

我和我喜欢的人交谈，也和我不喜欢的人交谈，其中有些人的观点跟我差了十万八千里。

But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

但我仍旧和他们进行了高质量的谈话。所以我打算用接下来10分钟左右的时间教你们如何说话，以及如何倾听。

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

你们中间很多人肯定已经听过无数建议，比如看着对方的眼睛；提前想好有趣的话题；对视、点头并且微笑，以此来表明你的注意力在对方身上；重复你刚才听到的，或者做总结。

So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

我想让你们忘掉所有这些，这全都是垃圾。

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

如果你的注意力真的在这段对话上，那又怎么会需要学如何表现出你的注意力呢？

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.

其实，我在作为职业访谈者工作时用的技巧正是我在平时生活中用的那些。

So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.

好，我要来教你们如何采访别人，这绝对会帮助成为一个更好的沟通者。

Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

我来教你们怎样进行一段既不浪费时间、也不无聊，而且谢天谢地不会冒犯到别人的谈话。

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like.

我们都曾有过很棒的交谈，我们曾有过，我们知道那是什么感觉。

The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.

他们让你在结束之后感到很投入、很受启发的交谈，或者令你觉得你和别人建立了真实的连接，或者让你完全被别人理解。

There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.

你的每一次交流其实都完全可以是这样。

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

我有10条基本规则，我会一条条给你们解释，但说真的，即使你只选择一条并且熟练掌握了它，你就已经可以享受更愉快的交谈了。

Number 1: Don't multitask.

第一条：不要三心二意

And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

我不是说单纯放下你的手机、平板电脑、车钥匙，或者任何其他你那在手里的东西。

I mean, be present. Be in that moment.

我的意思是，处在当下。进入那个情境中去。

Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.

不要想着你之前和老板的争吵。不要想着晚饭吃什么。

If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

如果你想退出交谈，就退出交谈。但不要身在曹营心在汉。

Number 2: Don't pontificate.

第二条：不要好为人师。

If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.

如果你想要表达自己的看法，又不想留下任何机会让人回应、争论、反驳或深入，写博客去。

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring.

我来告诉你们为什么我不让“说教专家”上我的秀：因为他们真的很无聊。

If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

如果TA是个保守派，那一定讨厌奥巴马、粮票和堕胎。

If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

如果TA是个自由派，那一定会讨厌大银行、石油公司和迪克•切尼。

Totally predictable.

完全可以预测。

And you don't want to be like that.

而且你肯定不希望那样。

You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.

你需要在进入每一次交流时都假定自己可以学习到一些东西。

The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.

著名心理治疗师M•斯科特•佩克曾说：真正的倾听需要你置身于自己之外。

And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

有时候，这意味着把你的个人观点放在一边。

He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.

他说：一旦感受到这种接纳，说话的人会变得越来越不脆弱敏感，然后越来越有可能把自己的内心世界呈现给倾听者。

Again, assume that you have something to learn.

再强调一遍，要假定你能在里面学到东西。

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

比尔•奈伊说：“每一个你将要见到的人都知道你不知道的东西。”用我的话讲就是：每个人都是某方面的专家。

Number 3: Use open-ended questions.

第三点：问开放式的问题。

In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

关于这一点，请参考记者采访的提问方式。以“谁”、“ 什么”、“ 何时”、“ 何地”、“ 为什么”或“如何”开始提问。

If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.

如果你询问一个复杂的问题，你将会得到一个简单的回答。

If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？”你会回应那句话中最有力的词，也就是“恐惧”，而答案将是 “是的”或者“不是”。

"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

“你当时生气吗？”“是的，我当时气得很。”

Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.

让对方去描述，对方才是了解情境的人。

Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?"

试着这样问对方：“那是什么样子？”，“你当时感觉怎么样？”

Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

因为这样一来，对方可能需要停下来想一想，而你会得到更有意思的回答。

Number 4: Go with the flow.

第四点：顺其自然。

That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.

也就是说，想法会自然流入你的大脑，而你应该让他们赶快滚开。

We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.

我们常听到采访中嘉宾说了几分钟，然后主持人回过来问问题，这问题好像不知道从何而来或者已经被回答过了。

That means the host probably stopped listening 2 minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing.

这说明主持人可能2分钟前就没在听，因为他想到了这个非常机智的问题，于是就心心念念想着问这个问题。我们同样也会这么干。

We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

当我们和某人坐在一起交谈时，我们突然想起那次和休•杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。

And we stop listening.

然后我们就停止倾听了。

Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

故事和想法会自然而然跑到你脑子中去，你应该让他们从哪来就回哪去。

Number 5: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

第五点：如果你不知道，就说你不知道。

Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.

广播节目里的人，尤其在全国公共广播之声（NPR）中，非常明白他们的谈话会被播放出去。所以他们对自己声称专业的地方以及言之凿凿的东西会更加小心。

Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

要学着这样做，谨言慎行，谈话应该是负责任的行为。

Number 6: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

第六条：不要把自己的经历和他人的划等号。

If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.

如果对方谈论失去了家人，不要开始说你失去家人的事情。

If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job.

如果对方在说工作上的困扰，不要告诉他们你多么讨厌你的工作。

It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual.

这是不一样的，永远不可能一样，每个人的体验都是独特的。

And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.

而且，更重要的是，这段对话的主角不是你。你不需要在此刻证明你多么能干，或者你经受了多少痛苦。

Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

有人曾问史蒂芬•霍金他的智商是多少，他回答道：“我不知道。拿智商吹牛的人都是diao丝。”

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

交谈不是用来推销自己的。

Number 7: Try not to repeat yourself.

第七条：尽量别重复自己的话。

It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot.

这会让人觉得你自命不凡，也很无聊。但我们很容易这样做。

Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

尤其是在工作交谈中，或者和孩子的交谈中。我们想声明一个观点，于是换着方式不停地说。

Don't do that.

别这样。

Number 8: Stay out of the weeds.

第八条：少说废话。

Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.

说白了，没人在乎那些年份、名字、日期这些你努力回想的细节。

They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

别人不在乎，他们关注的是你、你是什么样的人、你们有什么共同点。所以忘掉细节吧，别管它们。

Number 9: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.

第九条：这不是最后一条，但是最重要的一条。

Listen.

认真倾听。

I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.

我说不上来到底有多少重要人士都说过倾听可能是最重要的，它是你能培养出的最重要的技能。

Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

佛曰——我用自己的话讲一下：“如果你在张嘴说，你肯定什么也没学到。”卡尔文•柯立芝曾说：“从没有人是因为听太多而被开除的。”

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk.

为什么我们不愿倾听彼此？首先，我们更喜欢说。

When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity.

我在说话时，一切在我的掌控之中，我不用听任何我不感兴趣的东西，我是双方注意力的中心，我可以强化自己的认同感。

But there's another reason: We get distracted.

但还有一个原因：我们分心了。

The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.

人平均每分钟说大约225个单词，但我们每分钟可以听将近500个单词。

So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.

所以我们的大脑打算自己填满那剩下的275个单词。

And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.

我知道，把注意力放在别人的话上面是很费劲的，不过如果你做不到，你就没有真的在交谈。你们只不过是两个人彼此嚷嚷的人。

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

你必须听对方讲。史蒂芬•柯维对此有精彩的论述。

He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

他说：“我们大多数人都不是为了理解而听。我们是为了回应而听。”

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

“好的交谈就像是条恰到好处的迷你裙；足够短，能够吸引人，又足够长，能够包纳（盖住）主体——我妹”

All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

所有这些都浓缩成同一个概念，那就是：保持对他人的兴趣。

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

我在一个名人外公的身边长大，我家里宾客络绎不绝。

People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."

访客会前来和我的外祖父母交谈，而那些人离开后，我母亲会过来对我们说：“你们知道那是谁吗？她是美国小姐的亚军。他是萨克拉门托市长。她拿过普利策奖。他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞蹈家。”

And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.

我在成长中默认了每个人都有不为人知的精彩。

And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.

说真的，我想是这一切让我成为了更好的主持人。

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.

我尽量少说话，但我开放自己的思想，永远准备着大吃一惊，而我从未感到失望。

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

你们也可以这样。走出门去，和别人交谈，听别人说，以及最重要的，准备好被他们惊艳到吧。

Thanks.

谢谢