Dear Citizens of America,
亲爱的美国公民们，

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
鉴于你们未能选举一位称职的总统以实现自治，我们特此通知，将撤销你们的自治权，通知即刻生效。


Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
从下周一起，尊贵的英国女王，伊丽莎白二世，将对所有美国州县，联邦团体和其他领土范围恢复君主统治（除了堪萨斯州，她不喜欢这个州）。

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
为了实现向英属附属国的成功过渡，公布如下律令，即刻生效。

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
你们应该在《牛津英语词典》上查查“revocation”（撤销）这个词；再查查“aluminium”（铝）这个词，看看发音指南，你们会惊讶的发现，你们的发音方式错的离谱。

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”
字母“U”将被放回到“colour”（颜色），“favour”（恩惠），“neighbour “（邻居）等单词中。你们要学会完整得拼写“doughnut”（甜甜圈）这个词，不要略去后半边。单词后缀“ize”将被后缀“ise”取代。

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
你们要懂得后缀“burgh”这个后缀Pittsberg的正确发音是“burra”,如果你们实在驾驭不了正确的发音，你们可以选择把“Pittsburgh”（匹兹堡）这个单词拼写为“Pittsberg”。

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
总体来说，我们希望你们能进修词汇以提升格调（请查查“vocabulary”（词汇）这个词）。反复使用那27个发音聒噪的插入语，比如“like”（比如），“you know”(你懂的)，这样的交流方式极其低效，不可忍受。

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
你们所谓的“美式英语”根本就不存在。我们会让微软公司作为你们的代表接收这一律令。微软软件的拼写检查程序会做出相应调整以适应单词中重新插入字母“u”,取消“-ize”后缀等事宜。

6. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
你们要学会做真正的炸薯条。你们称为“法式薯条”的东西并不是真正的薯条，你们坚持称为“薯条”的东西应该称作“脆饼干”。真正的薯条是把土豆切成厚条状，用动物油脂烹炸，配料应该是麦芽醋，而不是番茄酱。

7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.
我们要求好莱坞偶尔让英国演员饰演正面角色，要求好莱坞让英国演员饰演英国人，《四个婚礼和一个葬礼》中Andie MacDowell说英语说的那么拼，我们感觉耳朵被乳酪擦板凌迟了。

8. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies – English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
禁止你们再玩美式“足球”，世界上只有一种应该被叫做“足球”的东西，你们叫它“soccer”。届时你们中的勇敢者有权玩橄榄球（和美式“足球”有些相似，不过在这种游戏中你们不需要每20秒就休息一次，也不需要全身穿着塑料盔甲，看起来就像一帮贵妇一样——在英语中这叫做“娘娘腔”。）

9. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
你们一定要告诉我们到底是谁杀了肯尼迪，我们脑壳都要想破了。

10. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
一位来自英国政府的税务官（就是收租子的）很快会来到你们身边，以确保所有月租补纳完毕，从1776年开始算起。

Thank you for your co-operation.
谢谢你们的合作

John Cleese
约翰·克里斯

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