中国博士黄西 爆笑“调戏”奥巴马拜登(文本视频)

Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" which is actually my mother's maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.

But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.

I grew up in China. Who didn't? And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that was when I learned light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven one day he said to me, "Hey, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So five minutes later I said "why?" He said because I said so!

I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.

And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said "If you don't speak English, go home". And I didn't know this for two years.

And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, "hey, listen, if you don't speak English, go home." And he would say to me, "hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?" I said， "son, once you become the president of the United State, you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States because in China, I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask us questions like "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" "What is the second amendment?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" "What is Roe versus Wade?" I was like "Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?" Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.

And in America they say that all men are created equal. But after birth, it kind of depends on parents' income for early education and health care. I read in the Men's Health magazine that President Obama, every week, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see I don't have to exercise, because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts now, where we have Universal Health Care. Then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages. I think there was a movie about him. It's called Kill Bill.

I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I actually read your autobiography. And today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have [?] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.

So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I show the white house and the jokes about President Obama, that was when he decided not to come. And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that, Steven Colbert.

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.

We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer." My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn't fall asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. Thank you very much.

So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about. Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins. Great joke]

After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. （pause, turn to Biden） You are welcome.You had me at "Yes we can". That was their slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. You know, cause I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You've probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive. You maybe say even "hey, what will be your campaign slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh, you too? OK. So I understand that American people are suffering. So my campaign slogan will be "Who cares!"

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required. That will get me the youth vote. You see I am married now. I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like "wow, 50 percent of all marriages end up lasting forever."

And I will eliminated unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force. So two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins.

And despite heart disease and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one, but it won't be covered by health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions.

And I have quick solution to global warming. If elected, I will switch form Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees before. Now it's forty. You are very welcome.

And I am great with foreign policy. Because I am from China. And I can see Russia from my backyard. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies whenever they are driving. OMG, you are making a nuclear weapon? But you are doing it wrong, LOL.