In the workplace, we all run into conflict. Many of us would love to speak up and assert ourselves to correct it. And, in a perfect world, it would be easy. You could finally tell that colleague who keeps interrupting you exactly how you feel. You could give him a piece of your mind, releasing the frustration and anger that’s been gnawing at you for months. You could finally express that part of you that feels so underappreciated and marginalized.
在工作场所，我们都会遇到矛盾，我们中的很多人都喜欢说出来，坚持自己去改正。在一个完美的世界里，这很容易。你终于可以告诉那个一直打断你的同事你的感受。你可以告诉他你的想法，释放那些折磨你几个月的挫折和愤怒。一直以来你都觉得被低估、被边缘化，现在你终于可以表达出自己的感受。
 
But speaking up can be difficult — and sometimes overwhelming — especially if you are shy, lack confidence, or come from a culture where it is inappropriate to speak up. It can feel pushy and overly aggressive to be assertive, especially if you’re timid or hate conflict. It can also feel awkward and unnatural, not least if you’re more inclined to voice your frustrations and discontent in an indirect or passive manner.
但是，说出来可能会很困难，有时会让人难以忍受——尤其是如果你很害羞、缺乏自信，或者你所处的环境让你觉得很难开口。如果你胆小或讨厌冲突，你会觉得自己咄咄逼人、太激进。尤其是如果你更倾向于用间接或消极的方式表达你的不满，你会感到尴尬和不自然。
 
But there is hope for the chronically unassertive among us. Fears about speaking up are hard but not impossible to overcome. Voicing your frustration with an “assertiveness formula” can help.
但也有方法是可以解决这个问题的。害怕说出来是很难解决的，但也不是不可能克服的。用“自信公式”可以帮助你表达你的不满。
 
1. Start with a short, simple, objective statement about the other person’s behavior — what you’d like to see changed. For example: “When you interrupt me during meetings” or “When you take sole credit for the work we’ve done collaboratively.” Your goal here is to get the other person’s attention and, in doing so, minimize their defensiveness. The statement should be short, to the point, and evenhanded and unemotional enough that they can hear your message and not immediately disagree or disengage.
简短、简单、客观地描述对方行为——以及你希望看到的变化。例如:“当你在开会的时候打断我”或“我们合作完成这项任务，但你自己包揽了功劳时。”你的目标是让对方注意到问题所在，这样做可以降低他们的防御性和抵触情绪。这句话应该简短、切中要点，甚至不要带太多的感情，以至于他们能听到你的信息，而不是立刻反驳你。
 
2. Describe the negative effect that this behavior has had on you. Explain why the person’s behavior is causing a problem. For example, if the first part of the formula is “When you continually interrupt me during meetings,” you might then add, “I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion.” Or, for “When you take sole credit for the work we’ve done collaboratively,” you’d add, “I don’t have a chance to highlight my role and contribution.” The goal here is to build a cause-and-effect logic, linking an objective statement of their behavior to the impact that the behavior has had on you.
描述这种行为对你的负面影响。解释为什么这个人的行为会引起问题。例如，如果公式的第一部分是“当你在开会时不停地打断我，”你可能会补充说，“我没有机会表达我的意见。”或者，“我们合作完成这项任务，但你自己包揽了功劳时，”你会补充说，“我没有机会强调我的作用和贡献。”这里的目标是建立一个因果逻辑，将对于他们行为的客观陈述与这些行为对你产生的影响联系起来。
 
3. End with a feelings statement. Here, you want to indicate how their offending behavior has not only negatively impacted your actions but also hurt your feelings. An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized” or “I feel underappreciated.” While the other person may feel surprised— and even uncomfortable — to hear this, it’s hard to refute a person’s feelings. Adding this element makes the assertiveness message as a whole that much more powerful.
最后要表达你的情绪。在这里，你想说明他们的冒犯行为不仅对你的行为产生了负面影响，而且还伤害了你的感情。举个例子，你可以说 “我觉得被边缘化了”或者“我觉得被低估了”。另一个人听到这些话可能会感到惊讶甚至不舒服，因为很难反驳一个人的情绪和感受。说出你的情绪会使传达自信的信息变得更有力。
 
Putting it all together, you have something like this: “When you continually interrupt me during meetings, I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion, and I feel marginalized.”
做好这三步，标准模式就是“开会时你经常打断我，我没有机会发表意见，我觉得自己被边缘化了。”
 
A well-crafted assertiveness message can be effective on the spot, if you have the emotional wherewithal to deliver it. But it can also be something you hone and craft in preparation for an upcoming conversation, especially if you don’t feel particularly practiced at the craft or if you’re anticipating a defensive reaction from the other person.
如果你有足够的情感来传递信息，这个信息当时就会产生效果。但它也可以是你为即将到来的谈话准备的东西，特别是如果你觉得自己对这方面还比较生疏，或者别人很大几率会反驳你时，准备这样的信息就非常重要了。
 
Of course, even with a formula in hand, assertiveness isn’t always easy. It’s quite possible that the recipient of your message will react negatively, so you’ll want to meet any response with a calm, steady, and confident presence. You’ll also want to accumulate as much evidence as possible to support the first part of your message — the statement about the other person’s offending behavior. Your goal is to provide enough clarity and specificity about this behavior that your statement impossible to refute. What also helps is demonstrating a pattern of behavior over time, which might require you to keep a diary of instances when you’ve felt hurt, undermined, or offended by the person’s actions. Don’t use this record as an opportunity to harp on your colleague for the many times you felt they were at fault; use it only as backup material if your counterpart refutes you and needs convincing. This evidence will be key for increasing the likelihood that your message will be heard and ultimately have the intended effect on the recipient.
当然，即使有现成的公式，使自己更令人信服并不总是那么容易。很有可能你的信息接收者会做出消极的反应，所以你要以平静、稳定和自信的态度面对任何回应。你也可以搜集尽可能多的证据来支持你的第一部分信息——关于他人冒犯性行为的陈述。你的目标是为让自己的陈述足够清晰和细化，使之无懈可击。同时，根据时间推进来陈述也很有用，所以每次感觉自己受到伤害或被人的行为冒犯的时候就要记日记。不要把这些记录当作是一次对你的同事喋喋不休的机会，只有当你的对手反驳你的时候，你可以把这些备用材料拿出来说服他们。这可以让你的接受者更容易听进去你的话，最终会对接受者产生预期的效果。
 
In the end, speaking up is genuinely hard for many of us. And the results are far from guaranteed. The other person may respond in a positive way immediately; they might respond positively and productively but with a significant delay; or they might not change at all. But for you, getting up the courage to voice your frustrations in the first place can be a significant win.
最后，说出来对我们很多人来说真的很难。结果也无法保证。接受者可能立即以积极的方式回应，也可能很晚才有切实的行动，或者根本不会改变。但对你来说，鼓起勇气，在一开始就表达你的不满，可能是一场重大胜利。